With all the "I don't care" thoughts in my head these days and the feeling of being lost, I will take Meg's advice: "Look, I'm simpler than you think. I've figured one thing out about this world – just one, pretty much. You find a cause, and you serve it. Give yourself over, and it orders your life. I'm talking cause, douchebag. As in reason to get up in the morning. Obviously, these things shift over time. We learn, we grow."
Oh, hello again. Um, I don't really know why I'm writing this, probably because I want to get away with studying. It's 11 pm and I just remembered I have an Informatics test and I have a Word file where I can study from but... I don't have any Microsoft Office on my computer. But eh, I have a notebook.
Okay, I'm not writing this to tell you about my school work. It frustrates me. I am frustrated (kind of) that I am alive. Like, what the actual heck? These days I've been having thoughts. Some deep thoughts, I believe. And it kinda drives me mad. "Am I sane? What is sane?"
On Tuesdays I have Bulgarian Literature with one of my favourite teachers. Sometimes thoughts and doubts just hit me with a brick on the face during those classes. I actually love it. I love having insights just by listening to what the teacher has to say. Yeah, we're commenting on ancient Greek literature but we're also discussing morals, a way of life, a way of thinking and just... Life in general, truths and opinions. Also writing essays, finding the flaws in my being because whatever I write will never be good enough comparing to others' work. I don't know where this is getting at anymore but my point is, I've been thinking about myself for the past three years.
Most people, oh we are so concerned about our state that... It's ridiculous! I don't even know what I am writing anymore but I want to share these stuff because I haven't with my friends. Steven's gone, I'm feeling like he's hiding something, haven't seen him in a few days, no one knows anything and I don't feel like bothering him anyway. My four other best friends... Hm well, I don't know, I feel like I want to be alone. Can't keep my mom busy with irrelevant things about myself, I've been a burden for a bit too long, it seems. Oh let us leave this paragraph.
I've bought a "research" journal. I will write everything I'm researching and I'll also write what I've found. Cool, huh? Um...
I feel like I have too many thoughts. I don't care if I die, I don't care much if something happens anymore... Or maybe I'm just deceived. Oh but all the words written here don't matter for a single person (especially me) has no importance or influence on the world anyway... Or anybody which is worse.
It's an odd thing, the Internet. Almost the whole world is in front of a glowing monitor or has this thin box in their hands and they're all staring at it. They post not so useful things in social sites and their supposed-to-be friends "like" or "comment" the "post". You can do anything in this virtual world, almost anything. You can read books, research, do piracy, play, talk, commerce, socialize, entertain, inform, prank, create, destroy, lie, express your thoughts, and it's all in form of posts. Even this writing of mine is a "post" where maybe, probably, some random people will see, maybe read, or just ignore. But they saw it. Every person in the whole planet can read this at any time as long as there's connection to the "web".
But think about the outside world. All the adventures, it's not the same. It's not the same to see a picture of grass on the Internet and to actually walk with bare feet on grass. It's so much better to walk in the grass with your own physical body, it's, oh, so lovely to feel, to touch, to experience.
But I guess this virtual world comforts us. We can control things, we can make it so we seem perfect to other people. Telling you're a virgin when you actually have a kid... Might be possible.
Yes, there are a lot of dangers in the outside world but I prefer to face them more, I guess. It's experience and it might turn out to be strength. You can't really be assured here in the web. There are tons of information, tons of things we see everyday on this screen that fill our minds and these things are useless, just like the commercials on TV. The television is yet another machine that glows and brainwashes you. You watch how others live their life while you do nothing about yours and it's sad.
That's why I am afraid of this place sometimes. I may forget how to feel, how to live. My only thoughts would be to sit in front of a monitor and stare at it for hours. Unfortunately, this is what's happening to me... And I am afraid. But I am so glad I am afraid, this shows that there's danger and I acknowledge it so I shall stay away from it, at least, not use it as often. The world awaits me, I will have my little victories and adventures and disappointments and I shall live. I shall have experience and knowledge, unique experience and knowledge, and feelings. That's why life is beautiful, the life that one lives truly.
So I downloaded this game called Terraria. Now, this thing... is addicting. I found myself last night playing in at 2 a.m. Well, now it's almost 1:30 a.m. and I just stopped playing it... But I am afraid... I don't wanna end up like those kids who don't even go to the toilet, don't sleep and don't eat... That's terrifying, being obsessive is terrifying. Oh god, my eyes are red. I have to take some control, this can't last forever. I am kinda scared, I wanna be safe from myself. Sleep sounds so lovely right now.